It may sound odd but it’s truthful- I really miss my bigger self.
As a child, I had slightly chubby cheeks and an average body- not too fat, not too thin, nothing that forecast an early teenage bloom.
You could imagine therefore the shock when I suddenly became a ‘fat’ 13 year old.
When the comments began (a few were compliments while others were teases), I was unbothered at first but as I approached my late teens, like any normal teen, I was concerned and started working out in my own way- jumping, kicking the air and throwing empty punches.
When these weren’t as effective as I wanted, I added sit-ups, press downs, shake-downs and other body-vibrating, sweat-producing exercises invented by me.
My sisters would roll their eyes and shake their heads at the self-inflicted punishment I so faithfully endured.
My workout routine was so obsessive, I did it before every bath- morning, afternoon, evening and midnight; my will was no match for any unwanted weight.
Soon, my efforts paid off- big time.
I was noticeably slimmer and the comments began again.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Is your daughter okay? She looks gaunt’
‘You’re okay now, I think you should stop’
Yet as ‘gaunt’ as I looked, many girls ‘looked up’ to me in admiration and unrelentlessly asked for the secret.
I must confess that I did some unhealthy things in my bid to appear slimmer, besides working out.
I made a promise not to mention them for the health’s sake of desperate fat girls.
My ‘victory’ was however short-lived as I got fat again.
Then I started my routine and I got back in shape.
A cycle was spontaneously created- I could be fat by January and slim by February.
This cycle continued for a while until now.
Hard as I try, I can’t seem to get ‘fat’.
My clothes hardly fit because some of them need some flesh to carry their style.
The funny thing is in all my ‘fat seasons’ I never measured up to 70kg (or 154 pounds) on the scale.
I never wanted to be close to the ‘fat’ range.
Fat to me meant clownish, unladylike and clumsy- things I did not want to unwittingly represent.
Slim, on the other hand, meant composure and poise.
However, through my weight fluctuations I have learnt that it’s possible to be fat and poised as well as slim and clumsy.
I have also come to know first-hand that beside the attention that is garnered, effect on health and esteem, transitioning affects fashion choice and is an expensive venture to undertake (think of overhauling your entire wardrobe).
Above all, I have come to terms with the fact that weight loss is not for everyone.
Some people are beautiful when slim while others are beautiful when fat.
The important thing is to know your own anatomy.
I have been slim and I have been fat; believe me, fat is better…for me.